Kindergarten Was The Best Dating App Ever

(We just didn’t know it at the time)

After sharing some dating stories with friends, one pal asked me, “You ever wonder if your problem is you’re too aggressive?”

Maybe it’s because I’ve watched too many Barbara Stanwyck movies or have been single too long, but I like to get to the point (after three dates: “Are you ever going to kiss me?”). I hate the delayed responses and not knowing where I stand. In the world of dating, I’m the chick who reads the end of the book first.

I was reminded of the aggressive question when I reluctantly ventured back into the dating app scene (i.e., realized my long dormant account was still active), and messaged a dozen connections, only to hear back from a fourth of the matches. In the game of Bumble, women must be the aggressors in order to succeed, so one would think that this would be the ideal dating venue for me. But even a medium that places emphasis on women doing the courting doesn’t streamline the process any further (that 24-hour response time limit doesn’t help either — I feel like I’m Jack Bauer with each minute passing).

I, like many single people, have hopped from one trendy dating app to another, and feel frustrated by the whole process. When someone blocks me for no reason or tells me he’s an MIT janitor who’s friends with Ben Affleck, I long for…