If ’90s Disney Princesses Were on MAURY

Megan McLachlan
3 min readJun 29, 2021

I’M 16 — I’M NOT A CHILD. . .AND READY TO MARRY!

This is single father Triton. He doesn’t have one teenage daughter, but seven! Aquata, Andrina, Arista, Attina, Adella, Alana, and his youngest, out-of-control 16-year-old Ariel. Ariel has been missing music rehearsals so she can go on stealing benders, and now says she wants to get married to a much older man. Triton knows his daughter needs an attitude adjustment and hopes MAURY’s Boot Camp might be able to straighten her out.

I’M IN LOVE WITH MY CAPTOR!

FROM SNAP/REX/SHUTTERSTOCK

Imagine feeling like a prisoner in your own relationship. The women here today, including Belle, say they feel like they’re in jail because they have no freedom. The men they love won’t let them leave their homes. MAURY brings in experts to help these women get the support they need to get out of these relationships and help these abusive men learn how to treat a woman.

YOU’RE NOT REALLY A PRINCE — THE LIE DETECTOR TEST WILL PROVE IT!

Courtesy of Photofest

Welcome Jasmine to the show and her boyfriend Prince Ali Ababwa. They were, until recently, the perfect couple. But Jasmine suspects that he’s lying to her about his job. We gave Ali a lie detector test. “Ali, you were asked, did you and your monkey steal an apple at the market the day you first met Jasmine? The lie detector said, that was a lie.”

EXTREME OPPOSITES! TOTALLY IN LOVE!

Courtesy of Disney

White, Powhatan, colonizer, victim, pet pug, pet raccoon. The couples MAURY meets today are total opposites but they are head over heels in love! “Pocahontas, how old are you?” “10.” “And John Smith, how old are you?” “28.” THESE ARE WILD AND CRAZY OPPOSITES!

SURPRISE! I’M A WOMAN! SECRET CRUSH REVEALED

Disney

This is Command Captain Shang. Backstage is Ping, who worked under Shang as a recruit in the Chinese army. Today, Shang is ready to share that he has a secret crush on Ping, but Ping has a secret of his, or her, own. “I’m a woman, and my name is Mulan!”

--

--

Megan McLachlan

Writer, Editor, Lightweight. After two drinks, I start licking faces.