All of the Ways the Shower Curtain I Purchased on Amazon Is More Into Me than Real-Life Men

Megan McLachlan
2 min readJun 17, 2021
Courtesy of Andrea Davis
  1. Follows up with me every day in a span of one week: “Thank you for your order!” “Your order has shipped!” “Will you rate your transaction?”.
  2. Includes a cute note of appreciation: “I’d like to personally thank you for ordering our shower curtain at Amazon.”
  3. Makes sure we both got home OK: “I just noticed that Amazon informed us that your order of the shower curtain was delivered by USPS today.”
  4. Asks whether I had a good time: “I want to make sure you are enjoying your shower curtain that should have been delivered yesterday.”
  5. Provides ideas for follow-up dates and how we might best enjoy each other’s company: “So here are some quick important tips for using it. Wash it on the gentle cycle with cold water and hang it to dry.”
  6. Acts totes casual, and gives me space without appearing too needy, no pressure. “If for any reason, you think you can’t give us positive feedback, we understand.”
  7. Even if it slyly tries to introduce the idea of a three-some like it’s no big deal: “By the way, did you know that we also sell a Bath Tub Mat? In fact, we’re temporarily selling it now for $18.87.”
  8. But of course, with my pleasure in mind. “If you do have it, remember that we have a 100% satisfaction guarantee.”
  9. Makes itself completely open and available to me, to listen to my problems anytime. “Simply reply to this email. I want to help.”
  10. Still around the next day, even after seeing me naked. “It looks like you’ve had it for a few days. I hope you’re loving your shower curtain by now.”
Megan McLachlan

Writer, Editor, Lightweight. After two drinks, I start licking faces.