10-Year Anniversary of “LOST” Premiere Reveals New Ending Producers Don’t Want You To See
(A work of fiction.)
Jack Shephard stumbled through the island jungle, on the brink of death, his face bloodied and grim. But while he was moments away from dying, another version of himself somewhere had entered a church.
A door opened to reveal a very alive and healthy Jack entering a chapel that was nondenominational, as not to alienate viewers. Locke was the first to greet Jack.
“We’ve been waiting for you,” he said, which was weird since Locke was kind of evil for a huge chunk of the series.
Characters from all seasons hugged each other. Shannon. Sayid. Desmond. Penny. Everyone was there that was contractually obligated.
This church scene was interspersed with scenes of Jack lumbering through tropical greenery, searching for a place to pass out and die.
In order to make the church scene more emotional, sappy music set the tone, along with slowed-down scenes to remind viewers they should be feeling something. This was some serious shit.
Jack hugged everyone. Even people he didn’t really like (Boone) and people who had betrayed him when they went with Evil Locke (Hurley). Baby Aaron, who had grown up off the island, apparently would not get a version of Heaven where he was an adult. He would enter the pearly gates as an infant. No explanation why.
Jack hugged Sawyer, who had banged his girlfriend in a cage in season 3. Then Jack spotted said girlfriend Kate in the church, her hair in heavenly dreadlock-curls, her smile like a Cheshire cat. She grabbed Jack’s hand and led him to a pew she had saved for him and her. In fact, everyone sat down, and just as Jack plopped himself into his seat, Island Jack plopped himself into his deathbed.
More hugging in the church. Remember, viewers were supposed to be feeling feelings.
Back on the island, Vincent the dog came trotting out of nowhere, and sat himself down next to Jack as Jack shut his eyes one final time. What viewers didn’t see was that Vincent took a dump shortly after.
At the church, Jack’s dad (yep, he was there), opened the door of the church to reveal a bright light.
And then out came “LOST” creators Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse.
“Hi folks,” they said. Only they weren’t addressing the characters in the church, but the camera, to the millions watching at home.
“So you’ve probably gathered by now,” said Cuse, “that we will not be answering any of the questions posed throughout the eight seasons of the show.”
“This show was on for six,” said Lindelof.
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow. That’s all?” Cuse made a whatdoyaknow smirk before continuing. “Anyway, we made way too many loose ends and we had no idea how to fix them.”
“Confession,” said Lindelof, raising his hand like he was at an AA meeting. “Never knew how we were going to end it, even though we said we did.”
“Another confession,” said Cuse, with his hand, too, raised. “Never watched an episode of the show.”
Lindelof started chuckling. “Are you kidding? Me either.”
Cuse stifled his laughter and got serious. “But remember: This show was never a sci-fi series. It was about the characters and the journey. Most viewers tuned in for the people, not the reason why there’s a huge foot statue on the island.”
“Did we ever explain that?”
“Nope.”
“How about why women can’t have babies on the island?”
“Nope.”
Cut to shots of the cast smiling like idiots, with the sappy music still playing and the scenes in slow motion.
“So please,” said Cuse, putting his hands together as if he were praying. “Laud this show as if it were genius TV. Your pissed-off friends probably just didn’t understand the ending.”
“Thanks, everyone. Have a good time getting in heated debates about this at work tomorrow.”
Cuse and Lindelof attempted to exit the church door through which they had previously entered, but it was locked.
“A little help?” said Cuse.
L O S T
